Life’s been crazy lately. I recently returned from a six-week stint in beautiful LA. My daughter came out for a couple weeks to stay with me while I was there. We had an amazing time. Every single second we were together was pure bliss. Every. Single. Second.
Then came time for her to return to college and me to my desk here in snowy Michigan. We cried, a lot, at the moment of our separation. Actually, I’m still crying even as I write this.
It’s been 25 days since I’ve been back. 25 days of battling the dark beast known as Depression. 25 days of going back on the medications I’d swore I’d never take again. 25 days of no productivity, missed opportunities and maybe even a friend or two who’ve given up on trying to stay in contact.
The holidays always get me but this year was much worse than most. The darkness wrapped its arms around me, whispering lies of slothful temptation into my ear. It pulled me down into its abyss and kept me hostage there, aided by the very pharmaceuticals intended to fight it.
The good news is, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, even through the tears. The darkness is passing and its grip weakening. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been very frightened. I thought I was rid of this scourge. I thought I was “cured.” Or maybe I just thought I was “better than that now.” For it to return with such vengeance took me completely off guard.
But it’s okay. I’ve made (or am making) peace with it. And I know that it’s a sign my life needs some major fucking restructuring in order to keep that darkness at bay. I’m now gratefully gathering the strength I’ll need to make those changes.
If you’ve been listening to the same dark lies as I this holiday season, please take these lessons to heart:
- The darkness cannot sustain itself forever. No matter what it tells you, it WILL go away. This too SHALL pass.
- Nothing is ever so bad that you cannot tolerate it for one more day. Tomorrow will come and bring with it renewed hope. Please, don’t leave before it gets here.
- There is nothing wrong with you other than the way you feel. Despite what your feelings tell you, you are perfect, whole and complete right now in this moment.
In just 3 days it will be a new year. I look forward to taking the lessons learned in 2011 with me through this next cycle. And I look forward to sharing it all with you.